Only Love Can Hurt like this
by Fleur06
Summary: Olivia is the mother to Noah she is missing Brian. What chain of events happen to make her re evulate what happened between them and will it be possible for them to be together again or is it too late forever
1. Chapter 1

_**I always said I wasn't going to write a fanfic with Olivia and Noah but for this I need Noah in it as it is towards the end of season 16 and trying to keep in line with the show**_

_**Hope you enjoy it, the other fanfics are still getting written just had this in my mind for ages and put it to paper and been working on it for a while and with the season premier and knowing there is probably going to be no Bensidy this is my therapy LOL **_

_**It probably won't be long famous last words and not sure about the ending even but a few chapters have been written so enjoy and please review. **_

_**The bits in italics are flashbacks or dreams or what she is thinking **_

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Had it been really over a year since she said goodbye to Brian and only two months later that she got her son, even though Noah is still only fostered she still considered him her son. She didn't know what she would do in two months if she wasn't allowed to adopt him, motherhood was more than she ever imagined. She couldn't of loved him anymore if he was her own son, it was the family she had wanted a dreamed about the door that she thought had closed, the false pregnancy the relief that Brian felt and the disappointment that she felt but didn't say. Just when she had given up hope, wondering if it would ever happen believing it would never happen not with her PTSD and age, saying goodbye to Brian because she believe he didn't share her dreams of growing old with her. How many times did she wonder if she did the right thing.

The photo on her desk smiling back at her taken about three months ago at the beach the two of them happily playing in the sand her building sandcastles Noah happily stomping them to the ground his laughter echoing on the beach, tossing the sand and jumping around, she never imagine motherhood being so great and wonderful, trying to find a balance between work and home. She never thought she would get this much enjoyment out of being a mother, the early morning, sleepliness nights were all worth it.

Opening her drawer the photo lying there of her and Brian she had left it in her desk she couldn't throw out what they had her thoughts would often go back to what he was doing now, the last she heard from him was a congratulations when he heard she got Noah. She missed him there was a part of her that wished he was there helping her with Noah but she was the one who pushed him away, didn't open up to him, didn't share she was the one who broke up with him.

Balance she had finally worked out some sort of balance where she put Noah first, that was part of the problem the relationship at first was fine both of them putting work first, but then when they got close work seemed to come first, not Brian, he tried to put her first but still he missed her Sergeant crowning, the parties as congratulations but he was there for me during the trial and he was every day of it, waiting for me at home or coming to the trial.

Would she have gotten Noah if they were together would he of taken to him too, he didn't seem to interested in knowing about Baby Boy Doe, or was it she was more interested in that and work.

She did love him very much and when he lay his heart on the line she broke it, he tried to fix it, she didn't want to open up.

"_There is something I need to tell you, something I've been meaning to say for a long time" her heard had skipped a beat "go ahead I can take it"_

"_no not like that, not at all, not even close… I love you" there he had said those three words even after moving in together they hadn't told each other that "I love you too Brian, always will" and with that they parted. _

"Liv"

Looking up hearing her name slamming the drawer closed "Yes Nick"

"you alright" slight concern in his voice

Nodding her head "I'm fine, what's up"

"The perp is going down to Central booking to be charged, he folded in the end" walking away turning to look at Olivia she was somewhere else her mind seemed somewhere else not here.

"we're going to get a drink, you coming or you have to get home?"

Shaking her head looking at her watch "I have to get home to Noah, Lucy has something on tonight" grabbing her coat "I should of left here 15 minutes ago"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Running into the apartment "so sorry I'm late Lucy"

Scooping up Noah in her arms "how's my little man been"

Turning back to Lucy "sorry again Lucy, I'll see you Monday"

Picking up her coat "no problem Olivia, we will still make it"

Putting Noah back down on the floor with his toys "enjoy the night" her mind back on her son

Watching Noah happily play with his toys kneeling down next to him "enjoy your day with Lucy"

Picking up the toy Noah gives her "momma"

The happiness in his voice "that's right my boy

The big toothy grin "I miss yu" as he falls into her lap.

Ruffling his hair watching as he walks unsteadily over to some toys and back to her, "I miss you to baby, sometimes I wish I could just be with you spend all day with you, I love my job too and can't imagine not doing it" sighing

her baby boy was now eighteen months old a smile on his face as he grabs onto the lounge pulling himself up a big smile on his face "momma"

Putting her laptop down, it had been hard trying to juggle work and being a mother a lot of work was taken home with her so she could spend precious time with her son "what a clever boy you are, you hungry want your dinner"

Watching as he points to himself "Noh hungry wot dinner"

"What's the magic word my boy"

"plse, can I wath"

Picking him up putting him in his highchair "let's see what we have for dinner"

The fridge now full of food the day of take out most nights behind her, Olivia Benson actually cooking or the lovely Lucy making something for them "I think we will need to go shopping tomorrow my man"

Turning around to face him a huge smile on his face how did she become so lucky to have this little man in her life.

Closing the door quietly behind her it was this time of night she got her work done and also cleaned up the apartment slightly, Lucy was a god send, making dinner most nights cleaning up on call when she needed her.

Her eyes scanning the apartment what was a neat apartment now had toys scattered over it, the bookshelf which at one stage was full of her and Brian's stuff now had kids books in it and her and Noah's things. After Brian left the apartment was empty again there were many days she wondered if she did the right thing then Noah came into her life her precious baby boy, the family she had wanted so badly with Brian.

Shaking her head she couldn't think about Brian that was in the past she had a shit load of work to get through, the bottle of red wine in front of her she didn't want to admit it she missed Brian. She missed someone to talk to, she missed the intimacy she had, lying in bed with him, the way he made her feel. He came back into her life after 13 years apart it was more than comfort, what started out as something casual was more, it was like finding something you forgot you had and it was a perfect fit again. He was there for her through the toughest time of her life helping her night and day, helping her get through it and she couldn't open up to him she couldn't tell him what happened.

As Eileen said he was there for you during the trial and he was he made sure he had time off work to help me, and he helped me for the 2 months afterwards whilst many might of run away he was there, waking up, holding her making her hot chocolate not pushing her, giving her space showing a side of Brian that no one else saw or knew a side that she would have been loss without.

"I _feel we are out of sync…..you went through the worst time with Lewis and the trial and do you realise you never once not once told me what happened to you… we're tired" _why was it those words kept replaying through her mind was it because instead of growing close like he thought they would they drifted apart, did they have more fun hooking up.

Her phone ringing bringing her out of her thoughts "Benson"

"Have you got the TV on Liv"

"No, what's this about Nick"

"I think you'll want to see this Liv channel 5"

Switching on the television her eyes scanning the screen "what's going on here Nick" her voice questioning

The question not answered "do you know if Cassidy is working undercover again or is he still with IAB?"

The ache in her heart at hearing his name trying the confusion there, what was happening "Undercover still I think, Nick what is this about" her voice demanding

"I'm coming over, I'll be there in ten minutes, I'll text you when I arrive so I don't wake Noah"

The phone going dead her eyes moving down to the phone in her hand the worry evident on her face, what had happened to Cassidy, she knew Nick didn't think much of him but something must had happened for him to call her now.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you for the favourites and reviews and those who read it. **_

_**The bits in Italics are her talking to herself the conversation going through her mind **_

_**Hope you enjoy it **_

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Walking up the stairs taking them two at a time how he hoped he was wrong with what he saw, as soon as she saw the news his mind went to Olivia, he knew his partner still had feelings for Cassidy, she had his photo still in her drawer and when she thought no one was looking he saw her looking at it quickly closing the drawer hoping no one had seen it.

The door opened before he even put his hand on it he could see the worry on her face

"Nick, tell me what this is about" the urgency in her voice

"There has been a shootout they haven't given much details, some officers were killed, others wounded and there are some seriously injured, I thought I saw Cassidy in one of the photos, I'm not sure if he is one of the officers or undercover or how seriously he was injured, Liv I'm sorry. I could be wrong and I really hope I am. I tried to ring a mate in narcotics, special response but couldn't get through"

Her mind trying to process it all, why was he telling her if he wasn't sure "Narcotics, was it a drug bust gone wrong?" her voice questioning, confusion in it

Shaking his head "I don't know Liv" the frustration that he didn't know more, wondering if he had made the right decision "I was just seeing if someone knew something, I wasn't even going to say anything until I was sure, but I know you still have feelings for him Liv and thought you should know, I can stay here the night if you want"

Her voice shaky did she really want to know, wonder what was happening "I'm fine Nick, Cassidy and I broke up you know, I'll be fine"

"I know you still care about him Liv, I can sleep on the couch, you shouldn't be by yourself"

Her eyes looking at Nick remaining strong "it isn't Cassidy Nick he's been working undercover for IAB not Narcotics or anything, I don't need a babysitter. I'm not going to fall apart every time I hear something bad about someone I know" he could hear her trying to remain calm and not explode or yell

"I know Liv, but this is Cassidy, the guy you were in love with, the guy you lived with"

"We don't know for sure it is Brian, why did you have to say anything Nick" her voice exploding "why couldn't you just leave it until you knew for sure"

Walking to the door "I'm sorry I thought you would want to know" shaking his head he couldn't answer her maybe he should of waited "call me Liv if you need to any time, if I hear anything I'll let you know"

Nodding at Nick she shouldn't of taken it out on him "Sorry Nick thanks, but Cassidy is fine, we're over finished" her voice not betraying the confidence she wanted to feel.

Closing the door behind him how he wished Olivia was right for her sake but part of him believe what he saw and he was pretty sure Cassidy was caught up in it all to what extent he had no idea.

Staring at her phone did she want it to ring, why would he suddenly ring now glancing at the clock it was midnight, she couldn't call him "_Bri" what would she say "I heard you were killed or shot" _no

Nick was wrong he had to be wrong, did she hope that one day he wanted kids, wanted what she did, she didn't want to admit that she still loved him and cared for him and always would that her mind would go back and wonder what he was doing, if he was with someone else had he moved on. No she didn't care, she didn't want to have feelings for him still.

Lying in bed staring at the clock 1.05 am, 2.15 am 3.20 am willing the minutes to tick by quickly her eyes moving up to the ceiling around the room, the room that was their bedroom at one stage, the dresser that had both of their stuff in it, the whole room reminding her of Brian, the bed that they shared, the bed that at one stage got a huge work out, screaming out his name as orgasms exploded through her body, _"fuck Brain oh fuck, I want you inside of me" _the feel of him inside of her as he exploded inside of her thrusting nuzzling her neck, sucking her nipples as his tongue moved around her body. How the first time after Lewis he was so gentle with her, after moving in together for months afterwards they couldn't get enough of each other. Then work got the better of both of them, they both put work ahead of their relationship

Closing her eyes hoping to get the images of Brian out of her head, standing at the door way of the ensuite the towel wrapped around his waist, the water glistening on his body, his muscular toned chest, the chest that she would run her hands over, her fingers scraping down his back as orgasms ripped through her, the cockiness on his face as he stood there watching her.

Shaking her head the memories flooding back into her mind, the night they have parted neither of them feeling like eating holding hands walking to a bar, both having far too much to drink before making their way back to their apartment, her eyes moving to his as they collapse on the lounge watching as he moved towards her lifting her up carrying her to the bed, that night they had sex like they had never had before, the only two other times they had come close when they first started going out and moving in together, it was amazing, incredible she had never orgasmed like that in her life both of them multiple times, her back arching wanting him in there, him thrusting himself neither of them getting much or any sleep in the morning she wondered how she was walking the ache between her legs. She could feel herself becoming wet from the memory shaking her head she wanted these memories thoughts out of her head out of her mind.

Glancing at the clocks the time illuminating into the dark room 4.23 am rolling over onto her side the wardrobe in her view, tears feeling her eyes remembering the day she came home to see him standing there with his bag packed both of them not knowing what to say even if they had both agreed to it "_I do love you Brian and I will miss you" the tears welling up in her eyes not for one moment did she realise that she was about to go through the horrible time with Lewis again not the physical torture like last time but the emotional psychological one and the nightmares afterwards that she had with no one comforting or holding her getting her through them. _

_As he walked over and kissed her forehead "I love you too Liv, always will, I hope you get what you want, I'll come back for the rest of my things in a day or two"_

"_Will you let me know where you are staying, I want to still be friends Bri I don't want us to be strangers" she was trying to be strong _

"_I will always care about you Liv, and be friends but for the time being I don't think we should see each other we need a clean break for this to work" it was what he wasn't saying that seeing her was going to be too hard, not having her in his life was going to be hard that as much as he wanted to see her he would want to touch her "we will never be strangers Liv and we will catch up for a drink or something just not for a while" _

Now she did have what she wanted part of the family but not with the man she wanted it with the one man who she had loved, the first man she was truly and utterly in love with, the one who provided her with comfort.

Looking at the clock 4.41 am why was time going so slowly it was still a while before she was due up to get dressed and get Noah up

Lucy would be here at 7.30 am it was still so long to go too long to go. If it was Brian Tucker would of called her, or his mum wouldn't they, would they have called her, didn't that say something.

Trying to reason it all out in her head trying to believe it wasn't Brian she couldn't sleep she wasn't even going to try now, walking out to the lounge, turning on the TV softly as not to wake Noah, flicking through the channels did she want to see it on tv or just to numb her mind on the mindless shows or information that was on.

Her hands rubbing down her face the voices running through her head the conversations they had everything going through her mind conversations trying to reason it all out "_why do you care Olivia" "of course I care why wouldn't I care" "he is out of your life now, do you really expect him to come back when you pushed him away" "I love you Brian always will" "yeah right you loved him and pushed him away" "he looked after you after the worse time of your life he was there for you and you still couldn't open up to him" "you'd have no one special in your life, that cop boyfriend no chemistry there you were looking at me the whole time" _

"_You're tired, I'm tired" "we're tired" _

"_I feel we are out of sync" "Brian what's going on"_

"_Liv when we moved in together I thought we'd get loser but honestly it feels we had more fun when we were just hooking u"_

"_There is something I need to tell you, something I've been meaning to say for a long time" "go ahead I can take it" "no not like that, not at all, not even close… I love you"_

"_I do love you Brian, I wanted a family do you ever see yourself growing old & having a family with me" _

_I'm no who I used to be" "you treated him so badly did you really expect him to stay" _

"_take care of yourself and me, he tried to take care of you and you pushed him away did you really expect him to stay after everything"_

"_he wasn't there for your Sergeants exam do you really think he will want you now, he's probably found someone else, someone who wants him, wants to be with him"_

"No, stop" her voice yelling out, looking up at the ceiling "I'm sorry Brian I really am you have to be okay I still love you" fighting back the tears

She should of realised the yelling would wake up Noah, hearing his cries coming from the room walking over to his crib picking him up her voice as soothing as it could be "shh it's okay my baby boy, go back to sleep mummy is sorry for waking you up"

His hands moving up indicating he wanted to be picked up, leaning over picking him up, her hand moving around his back patting him walking out into the lounge room "want some milk in your sippee cup will that help you sleep"

Watching as his hands run over his sleepy eyes his little fingers curled up in a fist "yes please momma"

Walking over to the fridge trying to balance Noah and pour his milk "sorry baby, I have to put you down"

Watching as his face scrunches up "No I don't to go down" pointing to Olivia "momma hold me"

A sad smile on her face looking down at her man "if you want a drink I need to put you on the lounge, what if you watch over the top"

Seeing a smile building on his face "ok"

Holding Noah against her snuggled against her chest as his little hands grasp the cup as he sips it "mmmmmmm yummy"

Stroking his head "finish" handing Olivia his cup "play with toys"

Pulling him towards her, her arms wrapping around him "time for Noah to sleep"

"want to sleep wiv Momma"

Kissing the top of his head "Mummy is going to hold and cuddle you until you fall asleep, will that do"

Watching as his eyes start to droop and close and his hands curl up in a fist under his chin, hearing his soft snores. His snores reminding her of Brian except his were much louder.

"_I don't snore Liv, it's your imagination"_

"_You snore like a chainsaw Bri"_

"_Babe I have never heard me snoring, but you I have, except after a heavy session in bed though" _

_Wanting to wipe the smirk off his face but his childish grin he knew would get her along with wiggling his eyebrows up and down_

Putting Noah back to bed looking down at him in his crib did she actually hope that one day Brian would come back to her and want a family, that Noah would have a father figure.

She was happy so she thought she had what she always wanted a family even if part of it was missing but here she was a mother and she had finally found a balance between work and home with her son. She had began to wonder if she would ever achieve her dream and here she was finally able to call Noah her son, by her in a few weeks it should be official

Watching him stir and turn over, picking him up "just this once you can sleep with mommy" she needed him tonight

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo

Feeling a bit slobbery kiss upon her cheek "momma time to wake up" his chubby arms around her neck as she feels him shaking him, did she actually get to sleep, glancing at the clock finally 6.40 am

Turning over grabbing him playfully tickling his tummy picking him up swinging him onto her body "what are you going to do today with Lucy?"

Seeing his face screw up thinking "play in pawk and iceceam, Noah wants iceceam"

Tickling his tummy "no ice ceam for breakfast, isn't that for a treat only"

Nodding his head agreeing with her "noah be gawd for ice ceam"

A smile on her face, picking him up off the bed "let's get you ready for when Lucy arrives"

Watching as he runs to the kitchen "beaky mummy, milk and ceal"

Her eyes darting to the kitchen clock counting down the minutes until Lucy arrives glad for the distraction of her son

Kissing the top of his head absentedly her thoughts going away from Noah, did she want to go to work, did she want to find out what happened, did she actually want to know

Hearing Noah's voice babbling away "I lik momma"

Putting him down on the floor with his toys "mummy is going to get ready for work"

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Walking into SVU everything seemed the same the walk there nothing seemed different she had somehow walked from her apartment to here even with her mind elsewhere, did she want to look up to see what happened did she want to know. They all knew the dangers of joining the police it wasn't Brian it just couldn't be.

It seemed like forever but here she was at work she needed to find out more the peace of mind wasn't it, logging onto the computer her hands froze did she want to know the truth.

Looking up seeing Lt Tucker walk into SVU her heart sank for a moment she forgot how to breathe time was standing still watching as he stopped near her desk "Sergeant a word"

Her eyes moving around no this wasn't happening he wasn't here it wasn't true trying to put one foot in front of the other they felt like lead

"nice knowing you Liv' was that Fin's sarcastic voice turning around she couldn't even focus on who was here.

Seeing Lt Murphy sitting at the desk, what was her desk until he came back "close the door Sergeant" his eyes looked sympathetic did he know something maybe it was something else.

Her eyes moving side to side all she could see was the seriousness on their faces even Tucker didn't seem his usual sarcastic self

Looking up at Tucker he actually seemed a bit nervous "You might of heard on the news Sergeant about the shooting and blood bath last night"

Nodding trying to register what he was saying, please don't say it no please you're wrong why was he mentioning it to her

"I know you and Cassidy have broken up but I didn't want you to hear this from someone else"

Her eyes looking up at him pleading with him not to say it not wanting him to continue

"I'm sorry Olivia but Cassidy was caught up in it all last night, he was shot and died"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo

_**I'd tell myself you don't mean a thing, But what we got, got no hold on me**_

_**But when you're not there I just crumble I tell myself I don't care that much,**_

_**But I feel like I die 'til I feel your touch,**_

_**Say I wouldn't care if you walked away, But every time you're there I'm begging you to stay,**_

_**When you come close I just tremble And every time, every time you go, It's like a knife that cuts right through my soul**_

_**Your kisses burn into my skin, Only love can hurt like this But it's the sweetest pain, Burning hot through my veins, Love is torture makes me more sure**_

_**Only love can hurt like this, Your kisses burn into my skin, Only love can hurt like this,**_

_**Only love can hurt like this, Save me, save me,**_

_**Only love, only love, 'Cause only love can hurt like this**_

Listening to the song on the radio came the name of this fanfic and also part of it especially this chapter a lot of the flashbacks etc came from this and how much she doesn't want to admit that she still cares for him

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo

_**Sorry I will try to get the next chapter up shortly but I am going away on Thursday for 6 nights so might not be until end of next week but will see how I go **_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thank you for the review it has taken longer to update lost my mojo slightly and couldn't be bothered to write for a while. **_

_**This chapter is longer than I first thought as I added a bit to it and then ended up either too short or long so went for long**_

_**Hope you enjoy it **_

OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Shaking her head that one word going through her head "_he died he died he died, Cassidy is dead_"

Finally finding her voice, her voice shaking "no he wasn't there don't say it"

Her eyes moving around the office it isn't true she wanted to believe that is was all a mistake that he would walk through the door. She could feel her heart beating faster the thought of never seeing him again scaring her not wanting to face what he said is true

Her hand moving down her face her eyes moving back to Tucker "No, no no " she could feel her legs buckle from underneath her the fear of it all real, feeling Lt Murphy's hand on her arm guiding her to his seat, Cassidy couldn't be dead he just couldn't they were wrong it wasn't him.

Tuckers voice bringing her back to the room "Benson, Cassidy was shot he died on the way to hospital but they managed to revive him, he is in General Mercy Hospital in a serious and criticial condition in ICU"

Did she hear him right he was alive "he's alive" her voice now full of hope

"He is in a serious and very critical condition, he is alive at the moment but they are not sure if he will pull through. He has sustained serious injuries to his body he has been operated on but he is in a weak condition. If you want to see him Sergeant, then you would need to get to the hospital today and soon" the normal sarcasm gone from his voice replaced by concern

Shaking her head, he was dead now he was alive but just but he could die still the confusion and hope she felt now replaced by anger, the anger of what she went through last night, the feeling of uncertainty, the feelings for Cassidy all coming back the fact that thinking he had died made all these emotions come to the surface again but anger at everyone involved for the fact that he did die that he was seriously injured and she could still lose the man she loved, the man she would never stop loving but it was all too late.

Her voice filling with anger 'what the hell happened, why did you let one of your undercover get shot and caught up in this"

"Liv, calm down"

Shaking off Murphy's hand "don't you dare tell me to calm down, Cassidy is in hospital because of this and for all he knows he still could die, I want to know what happened" her voice exploding

"we are in the process of investigating it all, we all know Cassidy doesn't have the best undercover record, look what happened with him and Carissa, he jeopardised that operation and got shot there too" here again he was taking the highground

Her eyes narrowing "he paid for that you made sure of that you got him demoted working nights at the Bronx courthouse before he worked undercover for you and you nearly got him killed then, you didn't care then who got shot, hurt or killed them, if we hadn't turned up, all for you to make a case is that what happened this time, you told them he was undercover to make your case again, to flush them out and this time there was no one to come to help him, no one else you could get killed or injured along with him" the words tumbling out in anger

Her voice rising pacing around the room "what about looking after your own, do you even care about anyone you work with or are you too caught up in your own career"

"Sergeant Benson, your own squad here doesn't have the best record lately with IAB, Rollins Gambling, Amaro shooting a 14 year old boy and then bashing someone and ending up in Jail and traffic duty"

looking at Tucker disbelief on her face, what on earth did that have to do with him killing Cassidy

Turning around to face him walking closer to him, her face nearly in his "they don't set their own team up to be killed"

Watching as Murphy walks him to the door "I'll show you out Lt Tucker"

Seeing Murphy looking at her "go home Liv, go to the hospital or be with Noah, take as much time off as you need"

"I'm fine I work better here" her voice adamant

"I disagree with you Sergeant, take the rest of the day off at least I want you focused here on the job"

Walking to the door turning around to face him "I will be, I'm not going home I'll be fine" the firmness in her voice

Walking back to her desk seeing Nick look up at her "you ok Liv, want me to take you home?" she could hear the concern in his voice

"I'll be fine Nick" her head back down trying to see the words in front of her all jumbled together

"want to talk about it"

Shaking her head "no"

Hearing Murphy's voice "there is a vic down at Mercy Hospital, bashed and raped, Fin and Rollins"

Wanting to get out of there the need to do something "I'll go with Nick"

Seeing Declan look at her, she could see his mind ticking over "I can do this Lieutenant"

His eyes watching Benson against his better judgement he hears himself saying "Benson, you and Amaro then"

Walking closer to Olivia his voice low "don't make me regret letting you stay on here Sergeant"

Nodding at Declan "I won't, I need to do this"

Turning to Nick "just give me a minute"

Walking into the bathroom her hands on the basin looking in the mirror "he's going to be ok, he is going to be ok, don't you dare die on me Cassidy not again" Lt tuckers words echoing through her mind _"He's in a serious and crictical condition, they are not sure if he will put through_" throwing water over her eyes looking back up at the mirror it would have to do. Shaking her head concentrate _Benson you and Cassidy are no longer together it's too late it's all too late. _

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Seeing Olivia staring straight ahead he had heard part of the yelling from the office anyone would have to be deaf not too, he could tell she was struggling here but knew also she wouldn't talk about it "do they know what happened?"

Her face straight ahead she didn't want to think about Cassidy lying in ICU with tubes coming out of him, she knew she should go and see him but it would make it all real "Investigations are ongoing, you know how Tucker is, only cares about his own arse"

"Cassidy going to be ok"

"Cassidy is strong, just drive Nick" she didn't want to think that he wouldn't be that thought couldn't even enter her mind

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

Walking out of the hospital room turning to Nick "I'll meet you back at the precinct"

"I can wait for you Liv, if you want" he knew where she was going and wanted to be there for her

"You don't need to do that, I'll be fine"

The walk to ICU never seemed to take so long one foot in front of the other you can do it "_Liv, he would be there for you, you want to see him I know you're scared but he needs you, just like you needed him and was there for you, he needs you now"_

"_We're broken up, maybe he has found someone else, someone who put him first, someone who he loves, what if" _

"_This is who you are Sergeant Olivia Benson, you would never forgive yourself you know that Liv if he died"_

Shaking her head wanting the thoughts invading her mind out it was true if it was her he would be there, just like after Lewis shooting himself.

"Brian Cassidy, what room is he in?" her voice firm she can do this

Seeing the nurse look up at her "you family?"

Showing her badge "Sergeant Benson"

"bed 4 second on the right"

Pushing open the door her feet not moving it had been so long since she had seen him it was taking all of her effort to walk the few small steps across to his bed opening the curtain seeing his mother sitting there surprise on her face

"Olivia dear"

How many victims had she seen, how many times had she seen someone lying in a hospital bed raped, bashed barely alive but none were like this none were someone she knew someone she lived with someone she loved. None were Brian Cassidy the guy who thought he was invincible,

She tried to smile biting her lips blinking back the tears that were forming he looked so vulnerable lying on the bed with tubes hanging out of him it all looked so real "is… is he going to be ok" trying to form a sentence the words stuttering out

"they doctors aren't saying much, he got shot twice in the chest, once in the shoulder, once in the stomach, they had to remove his spleen, one bullet is lodged in his spine, they don't know if he will ever walk again it is too close to operate and get out at the moment, he is in a critical condition, the ventilator is breathing for him as his lungs were filling up with blood and he was struggling to breathe, until they take him off that they won't know what his chances are"

Putting a hand gently on her shoulder she could tell how hard it was Brian being her only son, turning to walk away "thanks Evelyn" unable to say anything else

Patting the chair next to her "Stay love, I know Brian would love you here"

Looking up at the woman next to the bed, the woman who broke her sons heart but had not gone away from it, as easy as it would be to blame Olivia for Brian going undercover she knew what he was like, but Olivia was different to any girl he had gone out with, she bought out a side to him that she hadn't seen she was the one and only person who made him into a better person without even knowing it, the one who he had actually moved in with the one he wanted to grow closer too, she had seen them together and you would have to be blind not to see the love they had for each other, the way her hand moved over his back, the looks they gave each other, the one he wanted all those years ago.

"I don't know Evelyn I think I'd be the last person he would want to see" her voice hesitant

"nonsense dear, you hold a very special place in my son's heart always will, Olivia you are the only person he wants, there is no one else but you"

Putting her hand over her face "I'm sorry Evelyn"

"this isn't your fault Liv, you didn't pull the trigger on him, you didn't shoot him all those times, you didn't leave him there to die, you didn't plan any of this" she could tell her voice was trying to reassure her but she felt anything but

Despite what she was saying making sense, it wasn't her fault but "I know, yes I was the one who broke up with him, if we were still together maybe he wouldn't of gone back undercover, maybe he would be working elsewhere somewhere safe, maybe" _they would have a family together_

reaching out for her hand "Liv dear you did what you thought was right for both of you, he will always be young and a child at heart, he knew the risks involved with being in the police especially going UC, he made that choice not you"

Her eyes moving down to her son and back to Olivia "I wish you two were together I have never seen someone have the affect on him that you did, to move in with you he was so in love with you, I had never seen him like that, you made him into a different person"

Getting up off the chair walking around the room despite her not saying it she was partly to blame for this she pushed him away "I should of tried harder, maybe we could of worked things out" the tears in her voice

"how's your little boy now" her voice slightly questioning trying to change the topic

The surprise in her eyes looking at Evelyn "Brian told me about the boy that you fostered, the case that you were working on for a while and how the mother died"

A sad smile on her face remembering her son "Noah, he's nearly 18 months now, he's a handful but I love him and hopefully will be able to adopt him soon I had to foster him for a year before they would consider adoption"

Her eyes moving towards Brian lying there "I wanted a family with your son Evelyn but" her eyes moving down "at one stage I thought I could be pregnant"

she could remember the phone call to him the day she took the pregnancy test

_Heading off to work early her period still hadn't come and her breasts were a bit tender picking up her bag she didn't want to tell him she didn't want to discuss it not yet not until she knew gulping down the toast and cereal "Brian, I think I could be pregnant, I'm going to get a test on the way to work, I'll call you and let you know"_

_With that she quickly kissed him and walked out the door, not able to have a conversation with him but seeing the surprise in his eyes _

_Arriving at work she had hidden the bag in her desk finally able to head to the bathroom with no one noticing, it was the longest few minutes of her life sitting on the toilet holding the pregnancy stick hoping and waiting unsure of how she felt but as soon as only one line appeared she could feel the disappointment she had hope for a short period she was even imagining another life a life that she wanted so desperately._

_Walking to Dr lindstrom calling Brian "Can you talk"_

_She could hear his voice slight panic was it there "you take the test then"_

"_it was negative, a false alarm, I'm not pregnant Brian" trying to remain upbeat not portraying how she really felt_

_She could hear the relief in his voice without him really saying anything "Okay, you sure the test was right" then there was a pause where neither of us said anything "That is kind of relief Liv I'm… sorry I have to go, see you tonight" and with that it was the end nothing really said about it he was late getting home that night and it suited her fine as she was trying to deal with the hope she had for a short period of time. _

She could tell she was elsewhere thinking about some other time, the far away look that was in her eyes, hearing Evelyn's voice bringing her out of her memories "Liv if you were pregnant despite it all Brian would of stuck by you and loved the child, at one stage all he wanted was to become a father get married, then work happened and hardened him slightly"

She knew what her son was like for years going from one girl to the other, countless one night stands, nothing ever lasting, getting demoted for sleeping with a prostitute that he was involved with whilst on a case, then Olivia came into his life and he stopped his womanising ways, slowly she could see how great they were for each other a perfect fit even broken up there was only one person in his thoughts despite him not wanting to admit what she meant to him now.

Walking towards the door she had to get out of there, the thoughts coming back to haunt her again "I will never stop loving Brian and I do wish things had turned out differently. Do you mind if I come back again?" her voice slightly hesitant

Olivia was special not just to her but to Brian her heart breaking for his ex who she could tell clearly loved her son still "no you are still a part of his life, I think he would love that"

Standing at the door looking at Brian lying on the bed it was like 4 years ago him being shot in front of her, walking into the room sitting on the bed holding his hand, it was different then despite it all he pulled through

"_I'm not who I used to be" _

"_sure you are"_

_Shaking her head "I'm not" leaning down kissing him gently she had feeling for him from the casual hook up a few days earlier_ to this

"_that was nice"_

_Her hand was on his chest "something about a man in a hospital bed"_

"_Ok Florence Nightingale" before she reached down and kissed him again the start of something casual neither of them wanting to get hurt again or defining it to what it was. _

The noise was getting louder the beeping not stopping, her eyes moving to the bed before widening and looking around wildly as nurses race in watching them hurry over to him looking at the monitors before back at Brian

"What's going on?" the worry in her voice

The nurses not even looking at her calling out as they lower the bed "we need the resus trolley now, we have no pulse"

"Nooooooooooooooooo Brian" she could feel her stomach drop her heart stopped beating for a while the whole world stopped as Brian lay there on the bed

She didn't even see the nurse turn to her, her voice firm "we need you to wait outside"

Feeling Evelyn's arms around her "cmon dear" as she was being lead out her mind numb and in shock, this wasn't happening not Brian

Somewhere she could hear the nurses and doctors voice "charge clear" the voices sounded so far away.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

_**I will try to update this sooner this time it was a longer chapter than I first thought but I wanted to put in the flashbacks as it shows what she is thinking each time and going back in time piecing it all together**_

_**The next chapter isn't written yet well hardly any of it so might take a bit longer and work is busy.**_

_**Please review review review and it might happen sooner now. **_


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